


I Think We Can All Agree That

by backshot



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, One Shot Collection, Oneshot, Romance, Some Ben/Devi, The car ride was so good I watched it over and over, The song was good asf, best scene in the show hands down, fluff?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:00:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24313924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/backshot/pseuds/backshot
Summary: One shot collection. It was always going to be Paxton and Devi.
Relationships: Paxton Hall-Yoshida/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 57
Kudos: 156





	1. ...Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Devi notices for the first time that sexy boyz have sexy hands

It was his hands.

Devi tried to keep her glances short. It was hard. Everytime he shifted in his seat, or moved his head, Devi couldn’t help but stare.

And then he’d move his hands. Slide them down the wheel, place them on the gear shift, back to the wheel, on his thigh.

On her thigh? Ha. She could dream.

But oh my god his _hands_.

Devi wondered how she never noticed this before. His hands were just so...nice. She couldn’t think of any other word to describe it. They were nice. Everything about him was nice. 

Under the violet glow from the outside that flew by, Paxton was a picture of beauty. Like straight out of a movie or a cheesy show where the dynamic between the two main characters changed and afterwards everything was so different in a good way and the moments before they _really_ got together were filled with so much tension and-

Paxton adjusted the volume of the radio, turning the little knob carefully.

Devi almost drooled. What was it about his hands? Did hands always look like that? Or was it just Paxton’s? He was so obviously perfect so it made sense that he’d be gorgeous down to his finger tips.

Devi imagined him reaching over to touch her and her stomach dropped.

She crossed her legs, not noticing him glance at them but definitely noticing the way his hand twitched on his leg.

Her eyes traveled up his arm and to his face, catching him looking at her just in time to smile, somewhat awkwardly.

She turned back to the window, watching the buildings pass by, but not really paying attention to them.

She wished she didn’t have to go home so early. She felt like if she had longer, something really good was going to happen between them. Preferably involving some hand action.

She looked back at him. It was okay, though, she decided when Paxton had one hand on the wheel and the other resting on the divider. Was he leaning towards her?

Devi smiled, shifting just a bit closer to him. If she could just be near him like this, that was satisfying enough.

At least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really sure about this one lmfso so lmk ur thoughts. The car scene was so....SO! Loved it from beginning to end. Highkey it triggered me bc once in hs I went out with my crush to somewhere like 30 minutes away and He was so objectively hot literally everyone thought so lmfao and I kept trying to look at him but not look at him but it wasn’t as vibey as the NHIE scene and there was no kiss (😔) but it made me have some intense memories fr
> 
> Finally, is it just me or are hands one of the things you notice about guys. Love big hands and nice nails idk issa turn on


	2. ...Guys Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys do be talking about girls tho

“So...did you finally fuck Coyote Girl?” Trent asked one day at lunch, in front of everyone.

Paxton froze, not sure what he was supposed to say. Maybe he’d try no. Marcus spoke instead.

“Didn’t he already fuck her?”

“Nah that was fake, right?”

Paxton stayed silent. On one hand Trent was right but on the other hand if he agreed then he’d have to explain why she spread that rumor around and why he even let her. And then he’d have to examine why he didn’t kill it himself and that was a little more thinking than he wanted to do today.

But while everyone was looking at him, waiting for an answer, Zoe came up to them, grabbing Paxton to eat lunch with her. Perfect timing. Paxton thanked her.

“For what?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Trent brought it up again. This time while they were both at his house. His mom was somewhere, probably in the kitchen listening in. She was always conveniently around whenever Paxton was over. Trent was aware of that, not looking up from the video game they were playing and keeping his voice low.

“So did you finally fuck Coyote Girl?” 

Paxton wasn’t really a multitasker or a great conversationalist. Trent asked again. 

Paxton died, trying to simultaneously process Trent’s question and play the game. He groaned. “Bruh!”

“Not my fault you suck at this.”

“Because you were bothering me! Rematch, bro, that wasn’t cool.” 

“You’re avoiding the question.” No shit. It was weird. Paxton wasn’t one to kiss and tell; it wasn’t his MO. Plus he stopped bragging about girls in the 6th grade. That was a very busy year for him. And it only got busier afterwards. It would just be annoying if he talked about every girl that came his way. And finally, Devi just wasn’t the kind of girl you talked about like that. Despite her fumbling efforts, she had almost no sex appeal. It just felt immoral.

“Why are you so curious?”

Trent shrugged. “Just cause. Y’all are all over each other.”

Paxton scoffed. “We barely talk.”

“I mean with your eyes, dude. Always sharing secretive glances. And you, like, look for her when she’s not even around. And she modeled for your sister's thing. And you’re always saving her. I don’t think she’s your girlfriend or anything but, like, you’re not just friends with girls. Even if she’s lowkey a loser.”

“Devi’s not a loser.” Weird? Yes. Sometimes kinda creepy? Totally. But a loser? That was just harsh.

“And you’re defending her. So...did you smash? Hit? Pipe?”

“No, dude.”

"But you like her?”

Paxton wasn’t sure how to answer. He didn’t know what category to put Devi in. Trent was right, he wasn’t just friends with girls, not usually. But he wasn’t really anything but a friend with Devi. Except for that kiss, if you could even call it that. Moreso a peck. And then afterwards, nothing.

But Paxton had thought about it, he really did. And then he went to her house with her dress even though he could’ve given it to her at school. For a moment, he guessed he could see it. And then her mom basically called him a dumb thot and that small vision shattered and now...they weren’t really speaking.

Trent was still waiting. Paxton tried his best. “I don’t know.” 

Trent nodded slowly. “Alright. Got you. For the record, it wouldn’t be that weird if y’all got together. Different, because she’s you know, a dweeb (hey! I say it with love, Lil D is funny!) but I guess I could see it.”

Paxton digested that. While he never really thought twice to do what he wanted, or pondered the implications of being seen with someone who was Not Cool™️ by high school standards, it was pretty tight that he had his best friend’s support. He wasn’t going to do anything with it as of now but, yeah, still tight.

Trent started another round of the game. “Not even head? I feel like Lil D could suck some Big D if you know what I’m saying.”

How could he not. Paxton cringed. “Dude!”

“Alright got it. We respect women in 2020.”

Trent didn’t bring it up again. But he did start sending Paxton Devi’s tik tok thirst traps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that Trent likes Devi enough to lowkey ship Pevi? Daxton? Devton? Paxi? Whatever.
> 
> Had to resist the urge to write 2019. 2020 just doesn’t feel real tbh.


	3. ...Stares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paxton looking at Ben looking at Devi looking at Ben.

Ben Gross is gross - it was literally in his name. He was kind of a dick to everyone, especially Devi. 

So why was she looking at him like that?

Paxton sat in front of her. So he really couldn’t exactly turn around to catch her looking at Gross. But he had gotten used to the feeling of her staring at the back of his head and he felt strange because for the first time all semester, she wasn’t.

Also he sat next to Ben, and every 3 minutes (Paxton counted), he would turn to look at Devi with a weird look on his face. Occasionally he’d smile, meaning he caught her at the right time, meaning they were for a fact looking at each other, meaning Paxton was caring too much about something that he shouldn’t care about.

Mr. Shapiro droned on, Trent was taking a nap, and Ben continued to smile at Devi in three minute intervals. 

While Mr. Shapiro’s back was turned, Paxton looked behind him. And there it was. 

Devi was chewing on her eraser, staring at Ben with a dreamy, mushy look in her eyes. 

The bell rang, startling her and turning her attention to Paxton.

“What?” She looked at him, eyebrows furrowed, just normally. No shy smile, no pretense, just...Devi. Like she was looking at Fab or Eleanor. Not gonna lie, he was a little hurt.

“Nothing.” He shrugged. Something. What the hell was going on?

Paxton decided not to think about it. It wasn’t his business. Even though maybe he could’ve asked. He and Devi were friends(?) after all, and friends could ask.

“What’s up with you and Gross?” Easy enough. Now he’s just gotta say it to her. But that was kind of weird. And presumptuous. They were friends(?) but not really, plus he just doesn’t ask that type of dumb shit. Usually, his friends would just tell him. But then again, his and Devi’s friendship(?) started with her proposing they have sex because she had a crush on him and him agreeing for the sole reason of just having sex because that’s what hot guys like him do.

So in short, he didn’t ask. But he and Devi didn’t talk. And her and Ben continued the stares in history. And then a day turned into a week and then a week into two weeks and they were still _staring_ at each other.

Paxton cracked. He’d ask. It was just a measly question. He went over. On the walk he practiced variations of the question over and over again, before settling on the original. He wasn’t sure why he was so tripped up by the whole thing, but he chalked it up to the emotionally detached and uncommunicative ways of his gender.

And then he was at Devi’s house. And Ben was there too, except his tongue was all the way down Devi’s throat. And Paxton just stood there, not really sure how to feel. He watched them for longer than he should’ve, shocked into silence and immobility.

And then he turned on his heel and went back home. Well, that was gross. And weird. But not unexpected. They had a pretty intense rivalry. You can’t just hate someone that much consistently for years without a mountain of pent up sexual tension. It was strange but understandable, Paxton told himself when his walk broke into a jog.

It was totally chill, he told himself when he immediately went to the garage for his secret stash of beer. The one he saved for BYOB parties or for emergencies that may or may not involve him trying not to think about how the girl he might’ve liked was making out with the guy she swore she hated.

It was okay, Paxton told himself once more. Really okay. He knocked out in the garage after finishing a pack. The next morning he got in trouble with his mom and was late to practice. His coach yelled at him, too. 

And again, in history, Devi wasn’t looking at him but at Ben who was blatantly staring at her now. No more intervals. Just prolonged, uninterrupted staring. It was creepy. Paxton couldn’t watch anymore but it was so hard to ignore.

He looked to his right at Trent. Napping as usual. Not such a bad idea. Paxton joined him and for the remainder of the class period, without Devi and Ben’s constant eye-fu*king, everything really did feel okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 chapters in one night let’s gooooooooo.


	4. ...Devi’s Depressed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Warning** Depression, suicidal thoughts
> 
> Devi struggles with her fathers death.

Devi had been staring at her ceiling fan for hours now. She wasn’t sure if she had even slept and if she did, it must’ve been short. By the time the sun rose and she could hear the world wake up, Devi’s mother burst into her room, telling her she was going to be late for school.

She didn’t feel like going. But she didn’t feel like arguing. So she got up and went about the motions of getting ready without really being present for them.

Weeks passed by and it became obvious that this Devi wasn’t normal Devi. She was usually filled with highly chaotic but well-intentioned energy but now she was just so...eh. When anyone asked if she was okay, she avoided the question with a shrug and went about her day with general apathy.

Her grades were dropping, she was constantly late to school, regularly skipping class, and sleeping entirely too much or too little. She also wasn’t eating, losing about 15 pounds in a short period of time.

After 3 weeks, Dr. Ryan referred her to a psychiatrist. He prescribed her antidepressants. Despite being a doctor herself, her mother didn’t believe in western medicine for this issue. Instead she prayed for Devi. Devi only got worse. After another month, Nalini placed the bottle of pills on Devi’s desk. Devi didn’t take them.

Her hallucinations became more frequent. Every day she’d see her dad. Sometimes he was in the living room. Sometimes in the kitchen. Always by her side. She didn’t tell anyone. It was nice that he was there. At first it was scary. But then it was nice. He’d give her advice and comfort her, like he used to. She knew it wouldn’t last. Nothing lasted. 

Devi failed her midterms and her mother finally found the hidden bottle of pills, untouched. They had a big argument. Devi left the house. She walked for miles. Not sure where she was going but she really couldn’t see through her tears. Her dad was nowhere to be found. She felt like shit. She was sure she looked like it too.

And then she was staring at the road, intently. By the time she decided she would wait for just the right moment, it was too late. A car pulled up next to her. It was a jeep, Paxton’s, she could recognize it anywhere.

He rolled down the window. “Devi? Are you good?”

She hastily wiped her tears. What a question. So simple but so loaded. Was she good? No. Would she say she was? Yes. She turned, walking ahead towards nothing in particular. She figured she’d just keep walking now that her shoddy plan was ruined. Walk until she got somewhere. Walk until she couldn’t think about her problems. Walk until she saw her dad.

Paxton drove along slowly beside her. “Wanna get in?”

“Nah I’m good. Just going on a morning walk. I’m fine.”

“It’s two am. And you’re crying.”

“Okay an early morning walk. Just leave me alone.”

“Just get in. We don’t have to talk. I’ll take you home.”

“I don’t want to go home.”

“Then we can just drive around. Get in.”

And then she was in his car, buckling up. The irony of it made her chuckle considering what she had been about to do.

“What’s so funny?”

Devi thought about telling him. He would not chuckle. “You wouldn’t get it.”

After about twenty minutes of driving around, Devi broke the silence. “Wait what were you doing out?”

“Kickback at Marcus’s. Just took Trent home. I’m DD, as usual.”

“On a Thursday?”

Paxton shrugged. What was the difference between a Thursday and the weekend. Sometimes they’d all get drunk for no reason at all during the week. That’s just how it was. “Do people need a reason to party?”

“I thought so. But what do I know, I’m a loser.”

“No you’re not.”

Devi laughed. “Yes I am.”

“Is that why you’ve been so sad?”

“I wish, man.” She said, resting her head against the window, closing her eyes and feeling only the vibrations of the car.

“So then why have you been so sad?”

“Why all the questions?”

“You can’t answer a question with a question.”

“I can and just did so suck it.”

So she was being kind of a dick. Who cares. She did, a little bit. But not enough to apologize. But then she looked at Paxton under her eyelashes and he looked so sad and worried that she figured maybe she’d say _something_. So at least he wouldn’t think it had anything to do with him.

“It’s the anniversary.”

“Huh? Of what?”

“My dad. A year ago today, he died.” Tears welled up in Devi’s eyes. She tried to hold them back. One escaped her water line, traveling down her cheek onto her lap. She turned her head more towards the window, trying to hide it.

“Oh.” That was all Paxton could say. No wonder these past couple months, Devi had been different. She was going through something tragic all over again. “I’m sorry.”

“Why? You didn’t kill him. I probably did.” She started. It felt like everything she had been bottling was coming up like a volcano. She tried to clamp it down, but a little escaped. “My family got into a huge argument before my concert. Maybe the stress got to him. Maybe if I - well, I can’t change the past.”

She sat in silence thinking about everything. The stupid pills everyone was trying to push on her. How alone she felt because her friends were still icing her out. The way her mother was trying to understand but couldn’t just _be_ understanding. How sad she was. How she couldn’t see her dad anymore and it felt like he died all over again. How being paralyzed fucked her up more than anyone could know. How she wasn’t afraid of losing her ability to walk anymore. She wasn't afraid of losing anything.

She finally looked at Paxton, smiling sadly and wiping at her eyes. “I’ve just been hella depressed.” 

And without her saying it, Paxton knew what she had been doing at two am along the sidewalk. His heart broke for her.

“You know you can talk to me, right? Anytime, anywhere. I can’t say that I totally understand but if you need someone, I’m there. I _want_ to be there, okay, Devi?”

“Yeah. Can you just take me home? I’m really tired.”

When they got to her house, she unbuckled and reached for the door handle. Paxton didn’t unlock the car yet.

“I was serious, Devi. You can talk to me. I’m really sorry you’re going through a hard time. But...I’m here for you, promise. You were right, you can’t change the past. But I’m sure your dad would want you to be in the present. I know I do.”

“How would you know, you didn’t know him.” Devi held back the part of her that wanted to say this because 1) it was mean and 2) Paxton was right and 3) She felt better after their drive. It was really nice that Paxton was there for her, having someone to talk to that wasn’t her therapist felt just as good as she remembered.

“Thanks, Paxton.” She said instead. “For taking me home and listening to me. I really appreciated it. And I'm glad y'all happened to have a kickback today...or...last night.”

Paxton smiled, eyes crinkling at the slight change in Devi's mood. “No problem, Lil D.” And then he left and Devi watched his car peel around the corner. 

Inside her house, her mother was waiting for her in the dining room, crying. 

“Oh Devi.” She hugged her immediately. “I’m so sorry. I just want you to feel better.”

Devi was crying too, putting her arms around her mother. “I will. And I’m sorry, too.”

After what felt like an hour of crying and talking, Devi went to bed. Her mother said she could skip school. Devi went anyway. Before leaving the house she took her antidepressant and quickly texted Fab and Eleanor, asking to talk.

She couldn’t rewrite the past no matter how badly she wished she could. But Paxton was right, she could live in the present and write it however she wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, I'm not usually an angst writer. Or a sad fic writer in general. But I think the show could've talked more about Devi's mental health because between witnessing your own father's death, being paralyzed, and hallucinating him multiple times I just couldn't help but wonder why Devi was so happy. I hope the second season addresses it more in depth and also makes her therapy sessions more constructive.
> 
> ik its supposed to be a lighthearted comedy but like idk sometimes its not always about Boys™ sometimes you gotta work on yourself, and Devi has a lot of working to do imo
> 
> Paxton and Devi are just friends this chapter and he _is_ the only one who can actually drive (I think)


	5. ...FWB

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Paxton and Devi actually have sex.

“So...”

“I have to go!” Devi rushed to put her clothes on. She was quick, she hadn’t even taken off her shirt or her underwear throughout the entire fifteen minutes.

It was the most impersonal, awkward, and slightly painful experience of her life. Devi instantly regretted it. At home, she cried herself to sleep, wishing it didn’t happen.

The next day, when Fab and Eleanor asked her if she and Paxton hooked up, Devi shook her head sadly and said no. They comforted her, telling her that he didn’t know what he was missing.

Paxton didn’t pay attention to Devi afterwards, and didn't think about her at all. Wasn’t that basically the terms of their deal? He did think about the sex though. It could’ve been better. A lot better. But whatever, it wasn’t that serious.

Then Devi took to staring at him at lunch and then it felt serious. Paxton ignored her.

She came up to him again after swim practice, like she had a couple weeks prior.

“Okay, so I’m just going to say it. That was terrible. I had high expectations, man. I mean, you’re so hot. And I assumed you were, I don’t know, experienced? But that was so bad. Was I bad?”

Paxton didn’t know what to say. Being ambushed and insulted was one thing, but being ambushed and insulted when he was sore and just wanted to shower and sleep was another, completely different thing. “Well you weren’t good.”

He started walking towards his car. Devi rushed after him fumbling. “I figured. But you have to cut me some slack. I’m a virgin...was a virgin.”

“ _I_ figured.”

He was at his door now. Devi was right behind him. God, he just wanted to go home. But at the end of the day, he was a nice guy...kind of. And she was nice, too, albeit a little Too Much. 

“What do you want?” He asked, trying to be polite. It didn’t come out that way. He hoped she didn’t tell him she loved him or something. He wouldn’t know how to handle that.

She looked down. “I just...wanted to ask you…if you wanted to do it again.” She rushed through the last part, eyes fixed on the pavement. “I mean, totally get it if you don’t. It really wasn’t that good. Like at all. I even cried. Why did I say that? This is crazy. I’m crazy. I’m going to go now. Just forget I said anything.”

“You cried?” Jeez, that totally bruised his ego. Actually, it punched it to the ground, spat on it, flicked it off and called it fragile.

“Cried? Did I say I cried? No I...I died. Of laughter. From you know, being insane. I already said I was crazy, right? Yes? So, yeah, just forget it.” 

Well now he couldn’t. And laughing didn’t make it better. Devi - 2, Ego - 0. “Why’d you cry?”

She sighed. “Well...I don’t know. It was my first time. Despite basically telling you I didn’t care how it happened, I had better expectations. Like scented candles. And forehead kisses. But...God! It was just so _bad_!”

“Then why do you want to do it again?” He dropped his pool bag to the ground. Devi walked so she was standing next to him, back against his car, staring up at the sky.

“Good question. Because practice makes perfect? I don’t know. I guess I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. And I _cringe_ , dude, I cringe.”

Paxton laughed. “Felt that. You’re right. It really could’ve been better.”

“Right? I’m glad you think so too. I kept thinking that the way it all happened was really unnatural, you know. Because of how I came at you and then we were just standing and looking at each other for like 15 minutes. And then you just randomly took your shirt off. Like what? Was I supposed to take mine off too? I still had my backpack on. And wasn’t there supposed to be like, I don’t know, foreplay, or some-”

“I don’t need a walk through.” Paxton quickly said, embarrassed. “I haven’t had a bad review since I was 13.”

“Jesus, 13? You’re quick.”

“Are you slut shaming me, Vishwakumar?”

“No I’m age-shaming you...and a little bit of slut shaming.”

He laughed. The awkwardness was gone. Devi was actually pretty funny. 

“Anyway,” she said, “I don’t think it was your fault. It was probably mine. Random girl trying to have sex with you in a non sexy context. It was destined to be awful. I guess I just want a redo. To replace the bad memory.”

She laughed. “But I guess that’s stupid. Glad we talked, though.”

Paxton nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you afterwards. It’s just we aren’t really friends, so, you know.”

“Yeah it’s cool.”

Devi started walking away but Paxton stopped her.

“Hey, how’d you get here?”

“Scooter.”

“Put it in the trunk. I’ll take you home.”

“Alright, thanks.”

When they were both in the car, Paxton let her connect her phone to his bluetooth. She showed him the playlist she had made for their hook up titled “Chopped and SCREWED ;)”

None of the songs were chopped or screwed. It was a lame pun. He flamed her for it. The songs were good though.

They were doing a lot of talking and not enough driving. Still in the parking lot by the natatorium, laughing with Devi, Paxton forgot how tired and sore he was.

And then the perfect song came on and they were just vibing. It felt really nice to just sit there with her. Occasionally, he’d look at her and think that she was actually pretty, too.

When it ended, Devi turned to look at him, about to ask him if he was going to start driving any time soon and then he kissed her.

It was probably his best kiss up to date. Definitely hers. Then chairs were reclined to get more comfortable and then they moved to the backseat, laughing when she hit her head on the ceiling of his car.

Then the kissing resumed and clothes were gone and well, you know the rest.

And that was how Paxton and Devi started a casual relationship. Eventually it would lead to more, they both kind of knew it. But until then, they _really_ enjoyed the ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really bored so I keep writing! Updates are definitely going to be sporadic but if you like these let me know.


	6. ...Dr. Ryan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therapy is cool and not at all just for white people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point I’m just shitposting
> 
> I hope Devi stays with Dr. Ryan.

“And then he totally kissed me!”

Devi just finished giving Dr. Ryan the rundown of her Friday night. It was a lot to digest for her, so she was sure it was a lot for Devi, too.

“What?! That’s great, Devi! How do you feel?”

“Uh...friggin awesome! Duh!” She was practically jumping out of her seat.

Dr. Ryan pursed her lips. One thing she knew about Devi was that she had a classic and almost severe case of emotional avoidance. Managing to push down all her feelings and replace them with a bubbly facade was kind of...admirable. Dr. Ryan had learned a thing or two from Devi about always looking at the bright side. Fake it till you make it had never been so teen girl sitting on a microfiber couch. 

But that made for bad therapy if she kept encouraging it. And her PHD from UCLA and her large client list and _private_ office, thank you, said she was damn good at her job. 

So she would ease into it. Devi was a talker, if she asked enough questions, she was sure she’d get somewhere.

“Did you tell Fabiola and Eleanor?”

“ _No_. Weren’t you listening, they totally killed our friendship!”

“Why?”

“Because apparently _I’m selfish_ and _treat them like crap_ and _I’m lost_.” Devi colored her speech with air quotations, rolling her eyes.

“Well, are you?”

“Of course not! I’m a freaking ball of sunshine! See?” She grinned, putting two thumbs up. “ _Sunshine_.” She did jazz hands around her face.

Dr. Ryan laughed. Positivity was a good thing, accountability was better. She phrased her next question carefully, starting with a small anecdote.

“Well, it’s a little sad. Whenever good things happened to me, I think I looked forward to telling my friends more than the thing that happened. Won’t you feel like they're going to miss out on important parts of your life and vice versa?” She hoped Devi would expand on that yes or no question.

Devi nodded. “Yeah, totally. I think (Dr. Ryan leaned forward, clutching her notepad) that they’re (here it comes) just jealous that I’m getting cool (crap!).”

“You don’t believe that, do you?”

“Of course I do. The hottest guy in our school, probably the entire region, definitely the entire district, kissed _me. I_ didn’t make the move. _He_ did. Meaning I’m cool enough for him to kiss. That’s a win if I’ve ever seen one.”

Dr. Ryan ignored her blatant objectification of this boy, scribbling it on her notepad for a future session.

“His validation is that important to you?”

“Of course! I feel like if he likes me then...I’m seen, you know?”

Okay, something she could work with. “What do you mean?”

“Like, when I was in my wheelchair, for example, it was either I was too noticed or not noticed at all. My identity was attached to that stupid thing. And then when I was out of it, no one really cared. And even being the wheelchair girl was gone.” Devi continued, smiling cheesily. “And Paxton’s so _cool_.”

Dr. Ryan nodded. “But Devi, you could form your own identity. Human beings have such a great power of being able to do that. You can change your own story and not attach it to anyone else.”

“I guess I could. Eleanor’s always going on about that. How real life is just like acting. If you act a certain way long enough and well enough then you can become that thing.”

“So why not act as yourself.”

“Ew, no. My self sucks.”

“You don’t suck.” Dr. Ryan said. “Why do you think that you suck?”

“Well, I’m kind of a dick.” She said matter-of-factly. “And mean. And I’ve blown them off countless times for a guy I barely know (Self-awareness! Nice!). If I was my friend I’d be tired of me, too. What sucks the most is that I thought they’d always be there for me, no matter what, even if I wasn’t always there for them. I guess I took that for granted.” Devi looked down. “And-” Realization dawned on her.

“Nice try.” She pointed two finger guns at Dr. Ryan, smiling as if she just realized a big secret. “You thought I was going to have a constructive therapy session. Think again!”

She spent the remainder of their time talking about Paxton’s hair and hands and how they call her Coyote Girl (“It’s not as dumb as it sounds I promise!”). It was entertaining, Dr. Ryan had to admit. Not much helpful information, but entertaining nonetheless.

As Devi stood up to leave, Dr. Ryan stopped her.

“You don’t suck, Devi. You can _act_ sucky or do sucky things. But you, as a person, don’t suck. You can right those wrongs. If now isn’t the right time, that’s okay - it’s never too late to make amends. But in your journal, I want you to write what you’d like to say to Fabiola and Eleanor.”

Devi nodded. “Alrighty. See you later.”

“Slow your roll, sweetie. This week, I challenge you to do something just for yourself. Not for Paxton. Not to increase your popularity. Just for Devi.”

“Gotcha. I’m going to go now. Riverdale’s not gonna watch itself.”

“See you next week. And Devi,” she stopped her for the third time, “I think we really made a breakthrough today.”

“Um, okay, _whatever._ What are you? My therapist or something?”

Dr. Ryan laughed. She couldn’t say it, but Devi was her favorite client.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone read these? Comment today’s secret emoji 🥺 if you do 
> 
> (back when I interned at a practice, I was told it is better to not call the people that come for therapy patients or subjects but rather clients (or something else that I cannot remember, that was like 3 years ago and I am no longer a psych major))


	7. ...Ben and Devi love to fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Devi and Ben navigate the ups and downs of first love. It’s not always rainbows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one goes out to all the Paxton and Devi shippers that also ship Devi and Ben. I am personally not one of y’all but I just started typing and yeah....

Dating Ben was easier in theory than it was in practice. Not because Devi didn’t like him, she did.

But because it was nearly impossible to switch off their rivalry. 

When she showed up to a yearbook meeting, thinking that it would be a fun way to spend some time together, he kindly reminded her that it was a clear violation of their contract and she still had Newspaper.

She kindly reminded him that she was his girlfriend.

The meeting started out nice. Devi made a suggestion, Ben tried to one up her, she tried to get the club members on her side, then it quickly turned into a dick measuring contest. Words were said, tables were flipped (Devi’s fault) and all the other members were uncomfortable. 

Both of them were not invited back even though Ben was the president.

He didn’t talk to her for a couple days.

Devi scored higher than him on their algebra test. She rubbed it in. The words stupid and idiot may or may not have left her lips.

“I see your algebra and raise you chemistry.” Ben gloated.

“Oh yeah? My statistics grade tells me you’ve lost already.”

“Yeah well, at least I’m not ugly, David.”

Ouch. Old habits die hard. Devi hated when he called her that now, and how dare he say she was ugly, especially when he used to call her a UN. She wasn’t one to control her anger. And her pride was at stake.

“You’re dating me you idiot. And at least my parents can stand to be around me.”

Ben was hurt. But he kept going, too. “Barely. And one couldn’t.”

Too far. He tried to take it back, really tried to apologize. What had been simple grade bragging turned ugly. But the damage was done.

Again, they didn’t talk for a couple days.

They had a lot of history. None of it good. 

It was hard to forget someone calling you an unfuckable nerd and crying about it. It was hard to forget someone telling the whole class she wished Nazis would have killed you.

They tried to forget it. Water under the bridge type of forget. Kiss me and make it okay type of forget.

But still, all the hatred between them - what had fueled all their academic and extracurricular achievements and honestly made them smarter, better individuals - was still hatred.

Rebranding it was harder than they thought. But love was _work_. And they were both very diligent, driven people. So they’d put it past them and move forward.

But it was always in the back of their minds, that they were still the same people, that one of them could just as easily hate the other as much as they loved them.

And sometimes, that made the work just hard enough to not want to do it.

“I saw you with Paxton today.” Ben said at her locker. He really hated Paxton. He was all good hair, nice smile, zero awkwardness. Disgusting.

“Yeah, so what?” Devi rummaged through her locker, looking for her chemistry notebook. She couldn’t have left it at home, could she? She had a test today. Open notes. If it was home she’d kill-

“So...maybe don’t hang out with him?”

Man she really needed to find her notebook but Ben was being so annoying with this Paxton BS.

“Insecure much?” 

“No! It’s just if you respected me, you wouldn’t talk to him.”

“Cool because I don’t respect you.”

“Devi…”

She found her notebook. She left her locker open but faced Ben, now able to fully concentrate on the conversation.

“Look you’re not gonna tell me who I can or can’t hang out with. That’s weird and possessive. And don’t wanna say it...but some would call it abusive.”

“Come on! It’s not abusive.”

“Exactly what an abuser would say.”

Ben tried to defend himself. “You liked the guy. You even almost had sex with him.”

“Not even really almost.”

“Well you lied about it. So everyone still thinks so.”

“But since it was a lie and therefore not true maybe you should get over it and stop being jealous over something that didn’t happen.”

“How would you like it if I still talked to Shira?” 

Devi really wouldn’t care. She trusted Ben. And she knew what he and Shira had was superficial at best, and one sided at worst. Maybe she could’ve told him that - that she trusted him and wants him to trust her, too. But she kept arguing.

“Oh please. As if she could actually have a multi word conversation.”

“Hey that’s not fair. Shira was good to talk to.”

“Bullshit! But I see you still love to defend someone that didn’t care about you at all. Nice one, Gross.”

“Woah this isn’t about me! It’s about you! You’re emotionally cheating on me!”

She wasn’t. Her and Paxton maintained a casual school relationship. Her annoyance stopped her from telling Ben.

“The hell I am! Look, if you don’t want me to have friends, just say it, and I’ll become a total loser like you.”

“That was mean.”

“Well that’s who I am. If you don’t like it, break up with me.”

“Fine.” Ben said, not leaving yet, giving her a chance to take it back.

“Fine.” She slammed her locker and went to chemistry, leaving him to deal with the fallout.

By lunch they were back together, making out in one of the empty trailer classrooms.

Fighting was draining for both of them. But the makeup kisses were great so really, it all cancelled out. No apologies were given, though, and whatever mean thing either one of them said always hung in the air, suffocating.

Anyone with a brain could tell them that their relationship wasn’t healthy. But avoiding her problems was Devi’s specialty. And Ben’s, too, in his own right.

She continued to talk to Paxton. Ben continued to feel bad about it.

Date night with Ben was always supervised movie watching. And it was never really at night, Nalini would never let them have the opportunity to do god only knows on the off chance she fell asleep. 

She barely was okay with Devi dating. But it was Ben, the smart boy who loved eating dinner with her family and cried in her office, so that made it kind of okay. 

So she allowed them to watch a movie - only horror - in her living room at 7 with three feet of space between them. She was in the kitchen, glancing at them when she heard something that wasn’t a scream.

Devi liked nights like these. Except for the part where her mom was overbearing. But it was okay because if she sat with her back on the armrest she could put her legs in Ben’s lap without her mother noticing or technically breaking the 3 ft rule. 

And sometimes her mom would go to the bathroom or her room, giving them a chance to steal a few kisses and if there was time, a cuddle. 

Yeah, Devi loved nights like these. And she loved Ben. Because despite all their arguing, their insane rivalry, and the days they didn’t talk, he’d always come over for movie night and everything was okay again.

“I love you.” He’d say when he’d leave.

“That’s gross.” She’d reply. “But love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Litrally don’t know why I wrote this. Litrally just started writing and my mind goes where it goes. Y’all aren’t here to read Devi and Ben but it’s my world and ur just living in it 🤪 
> 
> but srsly tho, I think y’all can tell that they’re not written to last. They’re toxic. Lol. So yay, implied Paxton/Devi
> 
> It’s not that I can’t see Devi/Ben I just don’t like it lmfao.


	8. ...Racism is Bad™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paxton being a total himbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fanfic writer go brrr

To redeem herself in Paxton’s eyes, and pay back her debt to him for being mostly cool with her telling every nerd in southern California - and a handful across the country/world that they were sleeping together (See Paxton’s Fanpage - Proud of you Devi! Love from Brazil!) - Devi was revising his history paper.

Technically she didn’t tell anyone, Devi would like to add; she just let them think what they want. Which wasn’t legally a crime, or morally a Bad Thing. So could you really blame her for championing free thought? 

But _anyway_ , to beg for forgiveness and to actually be forgiven, she was helping him with his paper. Easy task, high reward.

She could’ve written it herself but he wanted it to sound like him but smarter. She told him he was already smart. He told her she was kissing his ass.

“I wish I was kissing your ass.” Ah. Not a day went by where Devi didn’t put her foot in her mouth. She shook her head slightly, knowing what she said was weird. But it was already out in the universe. He chose to ignore it. Devi was thankful.

Back to the essay! In class, they were learning about the black experience in the 21st century and connecting that to the horrors of America’s past. Mr. Shapiro was a complete hack and tried too hard to be Relatable®. So naturally, he was teaching this unit with total neutrality so as not to offend the one (1), Netflix approved, multiracial black person in their class or any of the conservatives that were “suppressed” by fake-woke-but-good-intentioned cancel culture. 

But him choosing to teach through a neutral lens was by nature offensive and not at all helpful to his students because the first sentence of Paxton’s essay was “Racism is not cool.”

The rest of it was also garbage. Devi broke it to him gently, first telling him it didn’t meet the word count. Criticizing syntax before content was the nicest way to start editing someone’s work. First move a sentence here, add a period there, this sentence is too long, this could be another paragraph - so on and so forth.

That took them an hour and a half. Paxton’s essay was one huge, 2 page paragraph. Not an indent or new line in site. Just a glob of...garbage. An actual disservice to the black community. And his English teacher.

If Devi was him, she would simply take the zero. But she wasn’t him, and she’d never take one, even if it wasn’t her paper. So they kept editing.

“Paxton?”

“Sup.”

“Your essay is…something.”

“You think it’s bad.” He said, dejected. Believe it or not he tried really hard. Okay, he copy and pasted a lot of stuff from Wikipedia. But rewording it was 100% his own effort.

“Noooo.” Devi said, putting her hand on his arm as some form of comfort. He looked at her, hopeful. She looked down at his paper and grimaced. “Kinda.”

“I give up. I’m just dumb.”

“Hey at least you’re pretty.” Devi tried again to make him feel better.

Paxton was slightly hurt that she didn’t correct him but he did crack a smile. “Pretty doesn’t graduate with its class.”

“It does if it gets some extra credit.” She winked.

“Yeah I’ll pass on after school lessons with Shapiro.” He cringed at the thought. “Okay, your honest opinion about my paper. Don’t pull any punches.”

“Honestly,” She started, giving it another quick skim, “I think you’d do better putting a twenty dollar bill on the page and titling it Reparations.”

“What are reparations?”

Oh boy. Lots of work to do. 

Devi spent the next four hours at Paxton’s house teaching him all the things that Mr. Shapiro and their textbook did not. (Due to this, he would actually get his first ever A on a history test and he’d run to hug Devi in the hallway, picking her up and spinning her around. She would fly high for a week.).

By the time they got back to his essay, Paxton rewrote the first sentence as “Racism is not cool and totally still exists.”

Devi couldn’t take it anymore. She ended up writing the paper instead.

“But make it sound like me.”

“Trust me. It’s better if I don’t.” 

Paxton got a B+. But only because Devi left the first sentence in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this. I crack myself up.


	9. ...We'll Always Have Malibu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls are talking, we are listening respectfully

“Devi Hall-Yoshida. Has a nice ring to it, right?” Devi said dreamily.

“Ooh! And people would call you Devi H-Y.” Eleanor added. “What about Devi Vishwakumar-Hall-Yoshida?”

“You guys are getting ahead of yourselves.” Fab interjected.

“Maybe I’d drop the Hall then.” Devi thought about it. Out of his two last names, Hall was the most boring one. But then again, he wouldn’t be Paxon H-Y without it.

“Or the Yoshida.” Eleanor offered. Fab rolled her eyes. 

“Devi Vishwakumar-Hall or Devi Vishwakumar-Yoshida?” Devi tried both, not necessarily liking the sound of either. Her vote was still the original.

“Guys. Chill.” Fab tried to interrupt them again. 

“Depends. Do you wanna be Devi V-H or Devi V-Y?” Personally, Eleanor loved the idea of hyphenated last names. They were so unique, assertive, and showy so she was already sold on Devi having three last names all stacked into one.

“Guys stop!” Fab yelled, finally getting their attention. They turned to her, confused. 

“Look, you only just kissed him.”

“I _know_.” Devi smiled, looking at nothing, thinking of all her last name options and a multicultural wedding.

“You kissed Ben!”

“I know.” Devi frowned, brought back to reality.

Eleanor praised her. “Devi! You’re a hot commodity.”

“I know!” She grinned again, triumphant.

Fab grounded her. “What are you going to do about Ben, though?”

“I don’t know, nothing.” Devi shrugged. Kissing Ben was definitely something. She didn’t hate it, in fact, she could go as far as to say it was better than her kiss with Paxton. Ben had been so sweet that day and Devi would never forget that. But the kiss was so in the moment - especially on such an emotional day for her - that she wasn’t even sure how she felt about it.

“Devi you can’t keep disregarding people’s feelings.” Fab said. They were all finally friends again which was great but Fab wasn’t sure she could stick around if Devi kept treating people the same way.

“Fab, would you stop trying to be the voice of reason and fangirl with me like Eleanor?” 

“No! Eleanor’s an enabler and I, for one, will not be!”

“I am _not_ an enabler.” They both looked at her, eyebrows raised. She shrunk back. “I just like a fantasy, is that so wrong?”

“This isn’t fantasy. It’s real life.” Fab said. “And in real life Paxton kissed Devi and Devi kissed Ben. She has to choose.”

“She chose Paxton. Wasn’t that obvious?”

“Did she?”

They looked at Devi, who was looking away. Fab coughed and Devi finally focused on them.

“I don’t know. I like Paxton. I mean, he’s _Paxton_. But Ben is Ben, you know. It's kind of hard to merge Sweet Ben that let me live with him and helped us get back together and drove me to Malibu to spread my dad’s ashes with Evil Ben who constantly tried to one up me, made fun of me for being paralyzed, and called me, called _us_ , unfuckable nerds.” She frowned. “And I will not be Devi Gross.”

“You could be Devi Vishwakumar-Gross.” Eleanor tried.

“Nah. I’d rather he take my last name.”

“Ooh. Ben Vishwakumar. That actually sounds really good.”

“Right?”

“What about Paxton Vishwakumar?”

“Not as good. I’d definitely be Devi Hall-Yoshida.”

“Woah! Let’s not rule out Devi V-H-Y, yet? I mean, three-”

“You guys!” Fab was getting frustrated. “Maybe you should, I don't know, _talk_ to Ben.”

“Hell no, that's weird.”

“Devi.”

“Fine! But what would I even tell him?”

Eleanor threw herself over Devi’s couch, dramatically holding her arms over her head before bellowing, “What’s to come is still unsure: In delay there lies no plenty; Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty, Youth’s a stuff will not endure.” She smiled, sitting upright. “End scene. Shakespeare. Twelfth Night: Act 2, Scene 3.”

“Yeah, _anyway_ -” Fab moved on.

“Oh my God! It means kiss me while we’re young.” 

“I don’t know if I want him to kiss me again.”

Honestly, Fab was confused about the whole situation. Devi had chosen to tell them about both kisses at the same time and Fab was struggling to process it. She could understand Devi and Paxton - it was all she only ever talked about for years. Devi and Ben was more confusing and Fab needed to understand all of it before she could get on anybody’s side. “Why did you even kiss him in the first place?”

“He was being nice, I guess. I don’t know. He let me in. He helped us become friends again. He helped me and my mom stop fighting. And I guess it all hit me and before I knew it, my body was moving.”

“And Paxton?”

“Paxton’s hot af. And he always looks out for me and stuff. Like when that coyote bit me and when we fought. He always makes sure I'm okay.”

“Wow you love nice guys.” Fab realized. No wonder the Ben Thing was weird for Devi. Paxton had always been nice to her; Ben was an asshole up until 2 weeks ago.

“That’s so vanilla.” Eleanor said.

“What does that even mean?” Devi asked.

“You know, safe?”

“Uh, _whatever_ , would a vanilla person ask a stranger for sex?”

“Not something to be proud of, Devi.” Fab said.

“I can’t win, huh?”

Eleanor shook her head.

“You really should just talk to Ben, I’m sure it would help you figure things out. Even if you tell him you just want to be...frenemies.” Fab said.

“Yeah, okay. But what do I say?” Devi pulled out her phone, clicking on Ben’s contact. Fab took her hand for support. Eleanor wrapped her arms around Devi, resting her chin on her shoulder. Devi had really missed this.

“Maybe tell him you want to try being friends, at least, before anything.”

“Good idea, Eleanor. Oh god, what if he’s, like, totally in love with me or something?”

“Hey,” she said, smiling because she really missed this, too, “you’ll always have Malibu.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hate dialogue bc its like said x50


	10. ...The Gross Family Has Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's family problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sort of debating moving the Devi/Ben stuff to its own thing...but I don't even like the ship lol...and i'd never write them to be like an actual couple it would just be sad boy shit....so...yeah...anyway here lol...

Today was just like any other. Ben woke up. Showered. Brushed his teeth. Did his hair. And went down stairs to an empty kitchen. As usual his parents were gone - it was hard for him to keep track of them nowadays, he wasn’t even sure if he cared anymore. They could never just be at home - not on purpose.

_Is it because of me? It feels like they're dead._

Patty left out breakfast. Today it was an omelette and turkey sausages with neat slices of avocado off to the side, just like he liked it. He didn’t touch it, choosing to head to school. At the door, he paused before turning around for a couple of bites. For Patty’s sake - she was the only one who cared about him, even if she was being paid to do so. Sometimes he’d pretend she was his mother. 

It felt like something was stuck in his throat. He washed it down with orange juice but the feeling didn’t go away. 

Ben hated eating alone.

The highlight of Ben’s day was always Devi. Sometimes it felt like she was the only person in the whole world that understood him. He liked to think that he was that person for her, too, the one that got her in ways that even her best friends couldn’t.

Then Devi moved out after Malibu. They didn’t address their kiss. And three weeks later, she and Paxton showed up to school together, holding hands. Just like that, Devi stopped bragging about her grades, stopped flashing her achievements, making Ben’s own feel pointless.

Now, he felt like he was just going through the motions.

_If I was gone would anyone notice?_

At lunch, Devi walked up to him in the line.

“Can we talk after school?” She asked. This was the first time she spoken to him in weeks.

His voice stuck in his throat, he could only nod in response.

They sat on one of the benches facing the parking lot. It was kind of windy outside. Devi hugged herself tightly, crouching forward a little bit, trying to preserve as much body heat as she could. If Ben reached out, he wondered if her skin would feel as warm as he remembered it.

He faced forward, holding on to the straps of his backpack. She began talking about Malibu, thanking him for the role he played. Instantly, he knew where this was going. He tried to ignore her, choosing instead to focus on a tree swaying in the wind.

Devi had a way of talking that wasn’t very easy to drown out and Ben wondered why he agreed to talk after weeks of silence. What was he expecting? She moved out weeks ago. She had chosen Paxton. Their kiss was swept under the rug, forgettable, just like him. It couldn’t have been any clearer.

He wasn’t sure why he was here. He wasn’t sure why he wouldn’t just get up and leave. He wasn’t sure why he was listening to Devi break his heart all over again.

“It was nothing.” He could’ve said. Dismiss it all and move on with his life. Erase any lingering relics of her from his life. Throw out anything she might have left in his house. _See you never, fucking loser._

But he let her talk, his eyes fixed on the tree. A twig was threatening to break off and fly away. But it held on to the branch for dare life, blowing wildly in the wind.

“So yeah. Me and Paxton are kind of a thing now. Just wanted to make sure you’re cool. We can still be friends though.”

Ben finally spoke, eyes still trained on the twig. It wouldn’t budge. “We were never friends.”

“Valid. Back to being enemies?”

He looked at her. She was facing him with a satisfied smile on her face, the one she had when something was going her way, the one she had when she didn’t care about the collateral damage. She didn’t care where they stood he realized. No matter what he said, this conversation would be meaningless to her. He was just a loose end to tie up neatly and put away without another thought. He wanted to scream. He wanted to kiss her.

He shook his head. “I don’t want anything to do with you.” He mumbled loud enough for her to hear. He didn’t know if he meant it or not.

Devi shrugged. “Fine with me. Later, Gross.”

And then she was gone. Ben sat on the bench for a long time afterwards. Until the sun set and the sky was dark. When he went home, the lights were off, meaning Patty had left some time ago. Dinner was in the fridge. Ben didn’t eat it. 

He fell into bed, not taking off his shoes or removing his backpack. He buried his head in his pillow. Tears spilled from his eyes even though it felt useless to cry. This was just how it was, how it would continue to be. The house was too big for him, it swallowed him whole, like he didn’t even exist. He wanted Patty to come back. He wanted Devi to come back. But she wouldn’t stay. His own parents couldn’t even stay.

_Is it because of me? It feels like I'm dead._

He fell asleep, dreaming of a picture perfect family with scheduled dinners and a fridge covered in school work. When he woke up, the house was still dark and empty. Without turning on a light, he warmed dinner in the microwave, eating it alone at the kitchen island.

_It will always be this way._


	11. ...Flirting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know when ur talking to someone and ur nervous but the nerves go away and the convo is flowing and then it sort of ends abruptly but overall it was a good convo and then u think back on it and realize that y’all were flirting and ur like 😳🥰 anyway this is that

Whenever she was near Paxton, it felt like her skin was on fire. Every hair on her body, down to the follicle, would stand on end.

Paxton would step closer to her, seemingly unaware that the air between them crackled.

There’s no way he couldn’t have noticed, she would think, standing stalk still, eyes wide, afraid that any sudden movement might lead to an explosion. 

Or worse, she might embarrass herself.

Paxton would keep talking, and Devi only half listened, watching the way his eyebrows raised and his mouth moved. The way his tongue would dart out to wet his lips. The way his head almost always favored his right side.

She’d get so lost in memorizing every detail of his face, every inflection in his voice, that she’d forget how on edge she was before. She’d stop hearing the air snap and crackle around them and it would feel natural to talk to him. She’d even start answering back without fear - meeting every challenge in his inquisitive tone, matching each change in his body language, looking at him the way he was looking at her. 

And then Paxton would smile devilishly and step just a little closer, careful not to directly touch her but making it clear that he could and _would_ in any other setting.

And then it was back. The charged energy, the goosebumps on her skin, the way every breath left her body at once and she couldn’t get it back. He would just stare, waiting for her to say something - _anything_ \- next.

This was the part that Devi could never really get right. The part where she realized she was accidentally flirting and then suddenly was at a loss for words. 

Her mind would go blank and her skin would crawl and she could only stare up at him from under her lashes and swallow whatever it was she might’ve said.

And then the moment would pass. Paxton would smile, friendly now, and take a step back. The distance he created felt as deep and as expansive as the ocean. It reminded her that she could never cross it, never reach him.

The sparks around them would fizzle out and he’d retreat, leaving Devi by herself.

Cheeks flushed and catching her breath, she’d tell herself that next time, _next time_ , she’d get it right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I was listening to as I wrote this was I Can’t Figure You Out - Hugh


	12. ...Kiss already

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paxton making that kiss with Ben just a memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope they're not too OOC

Devi had gotten his voicemail and two days later she asked to meet up at the park.

She arrived in sweats and her hair pulled up into a bun. “I told my mom I went on a run. I can only stay out for an hour.”

“Okay.” He said. They sat on the swings. Paxton eyed her from his peripheral, thinking she looked cute in her oversized clothes, with the sun bathing her in orange and pink hues.

Emboldened by her visible neck and the memory of his both encouraging and insulting talk with Rebecca, Paxton braced himself to ask Devi out.

Before he could even tell her that he was wrong and he actually was interested in getting to know her romantically, Devi blurted out that she made out with Ben in his Porsche. 

Paxton rocked back and forth. Devi was looking down at her feet, digging her shoes into the mulch, waiting for him to speak.

“So... you and Ben?” He asked after a couple of minutes passed. He looked at her - asking for something that told him it was nothing . She held eye contact for a split second before looking down guiltily.

While she didn’t have anything to be guilty for - they weren’t together and he was kind of sort of talking Zoe - he was a little jealous. Which _he_ now felt guilty for because again, they weren’t together and he was kind of sort of talking to Zoe.

Paxton sighed and turned his attention to the sky. “W-was it better?” He trailed off, his sentence becoming nothing but a low whisper. Man that was seriously lame. Like he cared if Gross was a better kisser. That didn’t even matter. What mattered was whether Devi liked it enough to not like Paxton anymore.

“What?”

“Was he...you know…”

“Huh?”

“Do you like him?” Paxton was really trying here. Being uncool went against the natural order. His body was rejecting it.

Devi leaned closer, the swing set creaking from the movement. “Dude, can you speak up? I can’t hear you.”

“Did you like the damn kiss or not!” He shouted. The question resounded throughout the empty park, filling the air with his embarrassment. He hoped she wouldn’t notice how red his face was.

“Oh! _Oh._ ” Realization dawned on her. Devi bit her lip, once again facing away from him. Being honest was hard, she could hardly look Paxton in the eyes. “Well I can’t say it was bad.”

“But it was better than ours?” His face was hot. He’d never been this awkward before.

She hesitated and his heart raced. “Comparing them would be like comparing apples to oranges.”

“That’s not an answer and- Wait, who’s the apple? Me?”

“Wha-? No! I mean, like, they were completely different kisses.”

“In what way?”

“Well I mean ours was a kiss and his was more of, you know, a _kiss._ ”

Paxton nodded slowly, laughing wryly. “So I _am_ the apple.”

“Huh? You’re not getting it. I’m not saying one was worse or better than the other, they were ju- what do you have against apples?”

“Everyone knows apples suck. Oranges are juicy. You don’t get apple slices after swim meets, do you?” 

Devi was having trouble following his logic. This was definitely not what she meant with that innocent idiom - and now sports were being dragged into it? Whatever, she’ll bite. “I don’t know, I was never on any swim team.”

“You can’t think of _any_ sport you played? Even if it wasn’t competitive?”

Devi thought back to the second grade. “Yeah, orange slices and some Gatorade after a soccer game, those were the days.”

“See?”

“But apples are still good though.”

“Bro you’re so wrong. They’re dry.”

“What do you mean? They’re totally juicy! You just gotta get the right kind. Dip it in some peanut butter or caramel and muah.” Devi said, holding her fingers to her lips. “Chef’s kiss.”

“You don’t have to add anything to an orange. It’s just good on its own.”

“Yeah but you gotta do all that peeling…”

“But when you’re done, it’s all just goodness.”

“Maybe I like how easy apples are.”

“Wow, so you’re saying they’re dry and easy? That hurts.”

Devi laughed. She was twisting in the swing, the parallel chains crossing above her head as she faced Paxton full on. 

“Paxton, are we still debating fruit? Or is this a metaphor again?”

“A little bit of both, honestly.”

She nodded, slowly, the smile on her face growing. Her eyes twinkled and Paxton gulped, thinking she looked really pretty. “I like apples just the way they are, you know.”

“Yeah, well...” He said, looking away. Their roles had reversed - he felt like he was Devi and she was him. Is this how she always felt around him?

She let her swing unwind, slowly rotating in a circle. Her voice followed her path of movement but he could still hear her clearly. “Just so you know, I prefer apples.”

Paxton smiled, swaying back and forth gently, his hands in his lap. “And what about oranges?”

“Oranges are cool. They’re very understanding.” She stopped her rotation, re-twisting herself so she could look at him better. “I even had a talk with them yesterday about how I like them - you know, just as a fruit - but I just _really_ like apples.”

Paxton smiled, twisting in his swing until he and Devi were facing each other, knees touching. The mulch crunched beneath their feet. He wanted to be closer. 

He extended his legs, trapping both of hers between his. Reaching out with both hands and holding on to the part where the swing’s chains connected to the seat, he pulled her closer, his knuckles lightly grazing her hips.

“You know, Devi, I’m starting to really like you.” He said, clearly this time. No whispering, no stuttering, no pauses. No stupid meanderings about fruit.

Devi let out of breath. Her voice was just above a whisper and she struggled to hold eye contact as she said, “I like you, too.”

Now she looked shy. _Good_ , Paxton thought. He had done enough fumbling for today. It was her turn to feel awkward. 

__

She was holding on tightly to the chains. Paxton studied her face and watched as she tried to look everywhere but at him. She couldn’t figure out a way to do it that was both discrete and nonchalant so she just stared pointedly at his chest. Her body trembled and it seemed like she was holding her breath. 

__

“You good?”

__

“Yeah.” She mumbled, eyes traveling upwards only to stop at his collar.

__

“You sure?” He asked innocently.

__

She nodded, letting out a short and bashful laugh. “You’re just, like, _really_ close.”

__

“For real? My bad. I can move back if you want.” He grinned, flashing his teeth when Devi suddenly looked up at him, eyes wide with panic.

__

“No!” She cleared her throat. “I mean...nah, its chill. We can stay like this.”

__

“Hm.” Paxton pressed his lips together, pretending to think something over. “Actually, I don't think we should.”

__

“Huh? Why not?”

__

“We’re not close enough. I can barely hear you; we should probably fix that.” 

__

He pulled her as close to him as the limited motion of the swing set would allow. He leaned forward, until his face was just a couple of inches from hers. To keep from falling backwards, Devi instinctively reached out and placed her hands on his shoulders. Her fingers felt hot through his shirt. 

__

All he could hear was her breathing. She couldn’t stop looking at him now, her eyes searching his. When Devi looked down to his lips and up again, Paxton took the cue and moved forward. With both their eyes closed, the distance between them shrunk and shrunk until their lips finally touched.

__

This wasn’t like that time in his car. It wasn’t a short, haphazard attempt to cheer her up. This was mostly for him than it was for her, he hates to admit. He worked her mouth open with his jaw, reveling in the way her lips moved against his. When Devi held on to him tighter, he decided it was okay for him to be selfish just this once.

__

He couldn’t hide his disappointment when she pulled away.

__

“I’m about to fall.” She said. “And how much time do we have left?”

__

Paxton’s eyes were still on her lips. It was taking a mountain of effort to focus on anything that wasn’t kissing Devi senseless. In the back of his mind, he hazily reminded himself that she had only given him an hour.

__

“I’d say about twenty minutes.” He carefully let her go, trying his best to stop her from flinging wildly off the swing. Eventually she slowed. He checked his phone. “Fifteen minutes.”

__

“Damn.” Devi said, standing. 

__

It was strange to Paxton how just mere moments ago they were in each other’s arms. And now...now Devi was standing too far from him. If he stuck his arm out, he would just feel air. 

__

_Come here_ , he wanted to say. Devi stepped backwards. Paxton frowned.

__

He stood up, running a hand through his hair. She was furthering the distance between them.

__

“We could go to my car.” He suggested, trying to pull her back to two minutes ago.

__

She looked at him with some hesitation. “Is that really a good idea?”

__

Paxton shrugged. “Well it’s got my vote.”

__

Devi examined him. He felt a little uncomfortable under her stare, as if she was stripping him from all his secrets and laying them bare. He made a mental note to end things with Zoe for real.

__

“We don’t have to do anything, if you don’t want to.” He said, realizing that this was still really new for Devi. Who knew what was going through her head?

__

She eyed him a little longer and he shifted awkwardly. She shrugged. “Nah it's okay. Eff it. Let’s go.”

__

_Alright!_

__

Two feet from his car, Devi smiled. “You know, I’ve always wanted to make out on a car.”

__

“In or on?”

__

“On. Or, um, _against_ it. You know, like in movies, when they get together at the end and they kiss by the car and the girl’s leaning back against the door. And then they smile at each other, and the guy holds the door open for her and then they drive away? You don’t know where, though. Probably to go home and make out some more. Then the credits roll.”

__

“Um, specific? Which movie?” Paxton dug in his pockets for his keys.

__

“I don’t know, all of them?” Devi said, frustrated. “Does it matter?”

__

Paxton laughed. “I guess it doesn’t.” He pressed Devi into the passenger door, hands sliding to her waist. “But I can make it happen.”

__

“Good. Because we only have, like, ten minutes left.” Her hands went up to his neck. “And I need to look like I actually went on a jog.”

__

Paxton smiled, his lips hovering just over hers. “I’ll do my worst.”

__


End file.
